And A Child Will Lead Them
by at-kb
Summary: Why Hitsugaya got promoted so fast. Crack-ish, no pairings.


"I am very disappointed in all of you," the Captain-Commander thundered, and the eleven captains lined up before him twitched oh-so-slightly in unison.

"Soi Fon-taichou!" he said, turning to the scowling woman. "Shihouin Yoruichi's betrayal was seventy years ago. It ill befits the commander-in-chief of the Onmitsukido to paper her office with over four hundred images of black cats. From now on, I no longer want to see, hear or read anything to do with felines of any sort in relation to you or your Division. That goes for references to Shihouin herself as well."

"Ichimaru-taichou." The third division captain smiled. "I don't know what you think is so funny, Ichimaru. Some of the complaints from your subordinates are _extremely _disturbing. If it weren't for the fact that Kira-fukutaichou swore that none of these complaints were valid . . . but in any case, tricks, japes or practical jokes, while perhaps appropriate for a child in school, are not appropriate for a captain of the Gotei 13. You are almost a hundred years old, Ichimaru. Try to act like it."

"Unohana-taichou—" The Captain-Commander paused. "You are excused."

Unohana nodded and left, with what some of the other captains felt was an unnecessarily smug smile.

"Now," said the Captain-Commander, striding forward between the two lines of captains. "Aizen-taichou: while your behavior has been in the most part exemplary, I draw your attention once again to the number of times you have been forced to withdraw from battle due to the fact that your glasses have been broken. We have spoken about this problem before, Aizen, multiple times over the years. I am _ordering _you to purchase contact lenses." He rubbed at his beard tiredly.

"Kuchiki-taichou!" The expression on the sixth division captain's face did not discernably alter from its usual boredom-with-a-touch-of-disdain. "While it is your privilege as head of the Kuchiki family to reside in your manor despite being a captain, you are also expected to mingle with your subordinates _sometimes_. That is, it is your duty to know the names of at _least_ your seated officers, Kuchiki. You are not expected to seclude yourself in your office entirely and use your vice-captain as your emissary to the outside world, no matter how much disregard you might have for it."

Yamamoto strode forward again. "Komamura-taichou. Take your dog to obedience classes. That is not a suggestion."

"Kyouraku-taichou." Yamamoto's mighty eyebrows frowned. "Where can I begin? Let us be grateful that your division members have not actually taken your behavior as an example, because then we would have two hundred men constantly either drunk, sleeping, or grabbing the . . . anatomy of female officers. I had hoped that this was just a phase of youth and that you would mature over time. Given that a thousand years have now passed, that excuse no longer applies. I have ordered your vice-captain to withhold all alcohol from you for the time being. I am also imposing a ten o'clock curfew on you. Indefinitely." When Kyouraku opened his mouth to complain, Yamamoto added, "And if you utter one more word, your salary will be halved." Kyouraku closed his mouth.

Yamamoto's cane hammered the floor as he walked, punctuating his words. "Tousen-taichou. Although your newspaper is an, ahem, valuable contribution to Seireitei, your title is Captain and not Chief Editor. When you are summoned to assist in a Hollow battle, do not send a Hell butterfly in response with the message that there are only two hours until press time."

"Zaraki-taichou! As of today you have received two thousand, three hundred and seventy-four new uniforms, and yet every time I see you your haori is ragged and bloodstained. I can only assume that this is some form of adolescent rebellion, but at the same time I am informing you that if I don't see you tomorrow in your new haori, which is still stainless and untorn, I will have you court-martialed."

"And Kurotsuchi-taichou." Mayuri was gazing pointedly at the ceiling. "While your body modifications are your own business, refrain from pulling out your ears or other removable body parts in front of the new Academy graduates. It is not amusing and does not befit the dignity of a captain."

Yamamoto turned to address the assembled captains as a group. "In short, you have all been acting in an shamefully juvenile manner. Your duties are not chores; the rules are not boring, and—_Soi Fon-taichou is that a cat keyring you are looking at right now as I am speaking_?"

With a ninja's swiftness, Soi Fon put the trinket away while maintaining an expression saying, "Keyring? What keyring?"

Yamamoto closed his eyes, as if in pain, and went on. "If only one of you had behaved in such a manner, I would have put you in prison, but since I can hardly imprison ten out of thirteen captains I will say only this to you: a child could perform your role with more dignity, maturity and diligence than all of you put together." He nodded to his vice-captain, who stepped quietly out of the main doors of the hall.

"And with that in mind, I present to you the new tenth division captain: Hitsugaya Toushirou."

At that moment, Sasakibe returned, with a tiny figure in a white haori following quickly behind.

A year later, the other captains had to admit: he did.

* * *

**A/N**: Please review this silliness. Yama-jii's probably a bit OOC, but it's crack anyway, so . . . whatever?


End file.
